“Usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. “I’m okay” we say. “I’m alright”. But sometimes the truth arrives on you and you can’t get it off. That’s when you realize that sometimes it isn’t even an answer—it’s a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced.”—The Book Thief, Markus Zusak (via fuckyeahliteraryquotes)
“A human being is a part of a whole, called by us ‘universe’, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest… a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”—
So for the last few nights, i’ve been going out. stopped drinking, stopped smoking, pretty much stopped doing all the things i used to do. but i went out with the people that created my pain to begin with. it was to take my mind off all the hurt that they influenced.
honestly, i shouldn’t be blaming anyone. although, i didn’t know it was going to go down like it did. and if i had known, i would’ve stopped it. i almost jumped out of a moving car to do it, but it was going too fast. but i thought it might get better if i went out to take my mind off the incident. it didn’t.
every single night since thursday, i’ve been haunted by it. by you. you come to me in my dreams, and startle me like you’re gonna come back to me. every morning i dream with hope, only to wake up to pain.
never has anyone come to my dreams this many times in all my years. never has anyone meant so much to me that i would be willing to give up everything i know. but the fact of the matter is iloveyougoldfish and my pride, my ego have gone flying out the door. all the things that made us not work don’t matter anymore. because you’re the one i need. that i want.
with that being said, i’m choosing to hole myself up in my room. i guess i’ll play video games or watch sappy movies or eat chocolate.. i dont even like chocolate.. but i need this because i need you. and i’m not afraid to say it.
“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”—The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (via jacvanek)